by Benjamin Hammond

Nothing at all makes sense in life.

I can’t feel God. I can’t see God. I’m shrouded in meaninglessness. My thoughts and feelings aren’t organised. I stopped trying to organise them as a kind of attempt to stop trusting in myself. But it seems I can’t go long without it.

I told God today that I couldn’t feel Him. I asked Him why I was alive. What is my goal? Where is He?

Jesus died for my sins. So? What does that even mean? When I think about it, I don’t even really know what it means. I know so much in my head, but so little in my heart. What difference does Jesus’ death make to my life? I asked God this.

I’ve been told Jesus changes lives. I’ve heard stories. I’ve seen ‘examples’. I’ve read the Bible. But so what? Until I meet God, what difference does it make? I want to meet God. I don’t think I ever really have. I’ve thought about Him, and I’ve reasoned about Him. Philosophised about Him. I ‘believe’ in Him, I think.

But, if God is real, He’s a person – not a piece of logic, like a maths question. People are complicated. If a person was a maths question, 2+2 could equal 109. That’s how little sense people make. God is a being. He cannot be grasped or understood. But He can be met. A child does not understand the biological workings of it’s mother or father. Nor will he/she understand why they do certain things. But they have a relationship. What a relationship is, I don’t think I’ll ever know. They surpass understanding. And that’s precisely why someone who relies on understanding and logic, like me, can never be in a real relationship. That’s why I’m so confused. I’ve dropped my understanding and self-awareness. I want to relate, not understand. The scary thing is that I don’t know if it’ll work. I told God I was doing it. I don’t know any better. My previous way of life didn’t work, so I’m experimenting. It may work, it may not. I know nothing. It’s in God’s hands.

But that’s faith I suppose.